This is something that I have touched on in other posts but wanted to give you the chance to go a little further into the wonderful world of my brain. The reason for this is because this is something I still struggle with every day. Just thought I would take you through a few examples
Walking: At schoolI would get frustrated that I was so much slower than my friends and hated the fact that my walking looked so different to everyone else. I just wanted to look the same as everyone else. This also was never helped as it was the same questions that came up in my consultations with my neurologist “are you keeping up with everyone when you walk?”, “do you fall over often?”. It made me think that the one fall I had on a Tuesday afternoon meant I was definitely going to end up having the dreaded Botox. I got wound up at the fact that it would take so much more effort for me to walk fast to keep up with my friends when others didn’t have to think twice. Today, I have learnt to accept that my walking is different but I still find myself getting worked up at the fact that other people walk faster than me (Badger Man, I have you in my sights!) The issue I find is that as I try to speed up I then end up tripping more often so the cycle of doom continues as I then get frustrated that I tripped. It is a vicious circle that I cannot escape. By frustrated, I mean that I will be pleased as punch if I make it around a country walk with my family with clean knees and blood free limbs!
Team Sports: This has really got my goat from day 1. I always felt so self-conscious during every school sports lesson. It is a combination of anger that people will not pass me the ball during netball as they know I will drop it (I am basically just like an octopus in a frenzy having had a bath in melted butter whenever a ball is involved), with terror at the thought that I will ruin it for the rest of my team and to top it off anger with myself for not getting more involved. It was a powerful (spiked) cocktail of emotions to go through whilst everyone else was just enjoying their favourite lesson of the week. Today, I really feel that am missing out on a big social occasion. This is in part due to the fact that hockey is such a huge part of my Dad’s and brothers lives. I can see how much they relish the friendship groups they have gained through a weekly team sport (and, to be honest, the many pints of beer that come with it!) I feel that I really missed out on this through university and today. I now really enjoy fitness and feel like I would enjoy the social side of team sport. However my brain is having a battle (I am thinking swords, bows and arrows, the whole shebang and no knight in shining armour can save this situation) as the idea of any competition terrifies me. I would love the chance to experience sport with others like me but this is not as accessible as fully able bodied sport on a regular basis, even in Central London. The result now, is that sport has become a very individual sport for me so I don’t have to go through all the mental battles I put up with at school.
So I know this post may not me my most cheerful (a bit like the weather at the moment) but I hope it gives a little insight into the thought processes that I have over two pretty everyday activities. Despite these battles, I really love walking today, got stuck into team sports at school and now enjoy fitness as I have discovered what works for me. Hopefully I haven’t put you all off reading my posts now you know that my head is a dangerous place to be!
6 thoughts on “Comparison”
Once again you blog is so honest and funny – you continue to give us all such an important into the reality of living with cerebral palsy and more importantly the inner resilience that people with disabilities need every day.
Please keep writing.
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You remind me that when you’re young it’s so important to fit in, be like everyone else and don’t stand out.
But when you get older the opposite is true.
It’s so important to stand out and have something that makes you different from the crowd.
Keep celebrating your difference Yaz, beautifully written with lots of humour.
There is great truth in that transition as we grow older from fitting in to standing out.
Please share that on Yazzi or my Facebook posts about her latest posts as I know others would find your words useful (both for themselves and their families)
Thank you and keep writing yourself – your clarity of thinking and writing remain an inspiration.
Thank you so much! I am so glad that you are enjoying my posts and your comments definitely inspire me to keep writing. Please do feel free to share as I am keen to help as many people as possible.
Hello Yazzi, You don’t know me but I have worked briefly with your dad in Turkey. My BFF’s daughter is also my daughter’s BFF, and she has CP due to an incident at birth. She has been wearing braces and going to weekly physiotherapy sessions all her life. I am forwarding everything you write to her. I doubt that there’s anything else like this out there. Thank you for sharing! ❤
Thank you so much for your lovely comments. This is wonderful to hear and I am so glad it is able to reach and help others with CP as this is the reason I first started the blog. Your comment will definitely inspire me to keep writing 💜